Hooray and dippidy doodah, congratulations and all that sort of thing! Why? You might ask, well……..It is my anniversary, yes good reader January 2015 marks the 20th year I have been churning out this appalling nonsense and the amazing thing is I am still using the same jokes! You kind people are so patient, brave and generous! 20 years ago in 95 they introduced Windows 95 I thought it meant that anyone over 95 could not use it!
For a laugh I read through my first effort from 1995, please find below an excerpt of ‘WOT I ROTE’ all those years ago.
In January we can have some quite lovely weather, mild, warm, stunning views but however splendid the day our friend the sun will almost certainly be a weak and insipid chap.
Yet wait! I hear you cry even this half hearted chap can work miracles. He will gently coax little flower buds from their warm cocoons. Wily witch hazel will fling out lovely frills of orange and yellow, each one giving a surprisingly strong spicy fragrance.
Search out also the stunning dogwoods slender stems of vibrant green and red, in sheltered gardens we can expect winter iris to herald spring.
Finally two dependable stars will demand our attention. Often called the Christmas rose the helleborus Niger will prosper in heavy soil. Look also for the jewel-like Cyclamen in myriad colours each one shouting “THANK YOU MR. WINTER SUN YOU ARE A GOOD OLD BOY”
I was very keen then I had not been beaten down by the endless pressure of deadlines we journo hacks are under and the never ending demands from heartless editors for more scandal and saucy bits. The only saucy bits I know are always brown and on a bacon sandwich…..oh lovely!
In any event may I wish you a very Happy New Year and yes indeed welcome to the next gripping instalment of the fabled ranting and ravings of the old boy? This is exactly the same greeting I have greeted you with for the last decade at least and it must be so heartening to see that nought has changed. Yes one of life’s great reliable is still, well ………….reliable.
January can be a dour month but I see it as a month of expectation when will we see the first snowdrop, discover the first aconite, or welcome that first brave but foolish daffodil.
January brings a wealth of Cracker Jokes how about these;
A dog gave birth in the road, she was charged with littering!
Did you hear about the two silk worms that entered a race, they ended in a tie.
The fattest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference!……………..He ate too much pi.
Two hats were hanging on a hat stand one said to the other you stay here I will go on ahead.
A madman jumped off a bridge in Paris……..they said he was in Seine
Two hydrogen atoms meet and on says “ I’m really down I’ve lost my electron” The other says “Are you sure” The first replies “Yes I am positive”
Silly stuff but harmless….
jobs for the month
Wash and disinfect cloches inside and out
Scoop out any leaves from gutters and dead plant remains that have fallen into any water butts.
Start slug patrols as soon as the frosts finish
Check all stored fruit every day; remove soft or rotten ones
Leeks and parsnips may be lifted-gently
Currents and gooseberries benefit from a feed of sulphate of potash
Tie string around tall yews and conifers to stop any snow from bending down the branches
If we have snow keep brushing it off shrubs and especially conifers
Sweet peas may be sowed
Winter prune apples and pears, but only if there are no frosts
Do not be too keen to water plants in the green house to ensure you avoid overwatering and potential frost damage.
Also keep the green house well ventilated to avoid fungal problems like botrytis
Use fleece to protect tender plants in winter
Do keep off frosted lawns where ever possible
Check greenhouse heaters every day
Re-firm shrubs if the winter has loosened them
Try to keep ponds and pools free of freezing but do not smash the ice it can kill delicate fish
Clear away rubbish and leaf debris and keep the garden as tidy as possible.
Turn compost heaps regularly
Now is a good time to have lawnmowers serviced and tools sharpened.
Finally enjoy a last few days rest before our friend the sun gets hot enough to trigger some serious growing.
20 years, 241 articles and still no improvement………….and no possibility of improvement either……..HOORAY!
Happy gardening, David Penny