‘It is a truth universally acknowledged that a young man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a good … garden!’
Now whilst I pay due homage to Jane Austin for the opening lines to her novel Pride and Prejudice just think of what a success the book would have been with my much improved version. My creativity does not stop there, oh no! I think that Moby Dick would have been a much bigger hit if the fist line written by Herman Melville could have been ‘Call me a taxi I get very sea sick indeed’ When Vladimir Nabokov was creating Lolita he should have written ‘Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins would you water the petunias please?’ Much better I think and surely there would have been more laughs if Ralph Ellison had written ‘I am an invisible man but why when I ring for an appointment do people say they can’t see me’ Do you see that is a real rib-tickler. I certainly think that when Joseph Hellier was writing Catch 22 his first line should have been ‘It was love at first site a perfectly flat, green, straight lined lawn with well tended herbaceous borders’ an absolute guaranteed hit!
Surely Robert Graves I Claudius would benefit from my improvement of ‘I Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus have noticed that the grass of the Roman Empire is very long and I can’t start that blooming lawnmower again’ Can you imagine The Great Gatsby starting ‘In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice, he said never become a gardener lad there’s no brass in it’
Topically though what if George Orwell had actually started his novel 1984 ‘It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen so I thought I would just stay in bed and wait until things cheered up a bit’
I am off now to continue a novel ‘Wot I Wrote’ but I guess it is time for you keen types to get to work but life would not be life without a joke so see the bottom of the list. YO!
JOBS FOR THE MONTH
Whilst it is warming up be aware of late frost in the evening and early morning
Now is the month to consider any special projects you wish to complete this year
Slugs are out and about so deal with them in your preferred way
Dead head daffodils when the blooms have faded, do remember to leave the leaves and stalks for up to six weeks after flowering to allow next year’s goodness to return to the bulb.
Water newly planted shrubs and trees well
Deal with border weeds now before they establish they will also pull out more easily
Lift and separate flowered spring bulbs to increase your display
Loosen any ties on trees etc. that have become tight through growth
Shade the greenhouse now
Cut back ivy on walls and fences
Prune flowering currants, jasmine, forsythia after flowering
Feed roses
Finish pruning roses
Repair lawn edges etc.
Moss on lawns, patios and drives may be treated now.
Sow new lawns or lay turf
Spike lawns to aid drainage and to let them breath.
Consider a top dressing of damp lawns with a generous layer of course or sharp sand and brush it in well.
Try scarifying the lawn this year to let it breathe
Apply a spring fertiliser high in nitrogen to encourage strong healthy roots.
The soil will be warming up, time to plant evergreens and hedges
Plant your hanging baskets but do not put them out until the end of May
Feed spring bulbs with a liquid feed when they have finished flowering
Watch for and deal with greenfly, black fly, etc.
Finish planting early potatoes
Plant strawberries
Sow lettuce, spinach, beetroot, broad beans, peas, turnips, radishes.
Spray fruit trees with a fungicide.
Don’t forget to feed all containers also.
It is really still too early to put in bedding plants but if you do please protect them if a frost is forecast.
What has eight arms and tells the time … a clocktopus.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
I went to Wilkinson’s to get some Velcro – it was so expensive, what a rip-off!
Happy Gardening
David Penny