Anyone who has had the courage to read any of these pathetic ramblings before will know that I love to read quirky and unusual books. I have recently been reading a delightful series of books called ‘Must Try Harder’. These small and easy to read books have a common theme, written by a retired teacher who glories under the splendid pseudonym of A. N. Teacher. His books retell the classroom howlers of both students and teachers; his opinion is that if we learn from our mistakes some of his ex-pupils must now be approaching genius level. Here are a few English exam questions and the student’s answers.
What name is given to the study of tracing your family history? – Relativity!
What is an oxymoron? – Someone stupider than a cow!
Name the famous British diarist who wrote about the Great Fire of London in 1666? – Bridget Jones.
What is ‘syntax? – having to pay the government each time you do a bad thing.
What book did George Orwell write before 1984? – er…1983?
At first, Elizabeth doesn’t like My Darcy. Why do you think this is? – Cos he is such a dork!
If those made you smile you will love the Geography exam results.
Which famous canal connects the Pacific Ocean with the Atlantic Ocean? – The Pamela Canal!
What is the definition of an island? – A piece of land surrounded by water … apart from the top!
What is the main difference between the Red Sea and the Black Sea? – The colour!
Old Harry in Dorset is an example of a: – Yokel!
What is the hottest recorded desert? – My mam’s apple pie.
And my personal favourite:
Name a small tributary of the Nile? – The Juvenile … ahhh!
Better get on with some work I suppose.

JOBS FOR THE MONTH
Apply a long lasting weed killer by spray or watering can to gravel paths and drives.
As the sun gets stronger ponds may become green so remove any green algae from ponds by twisting it around a cane or rake then add it to the compost heap. June is the month to hard prune the early flowering clematis that have flowered BE BRAVE IF NOT CALL ME!
Strawberry plants should be pegged down to encourage layering also spread straw around the stems to keep the developing fruit clear of the soil and therefore clean.
Hanging baskets and bedding plants should be safe from frosts now so put them outside
Remember to go on slug patrol every night when the lovely chaps are out for their evening meal.
Hard prune lilac, Kerria, flowering currents…be brave.
Lightly prune wisterias.
You are probably mowing every week now; the blades can be lowered if you wish.
Newly repaired or laid lawns need to be copiously watered to avoid the turves drying out.
Plant marrows, cucumbers, runner beans, French beans outside.
Lawns may be repaired, also feed and weed with either liquid or granules you will be amazed at the improvement.
Dig out individual lawn weeds by hand.
Pick sweet peas every other day to keep them flowering and smelling sweet.
You can now mow off the daffodils in the lawn.
Lift and divide spring bulbs and replant the new stock elsewhere in the garden to increase the display for next year.
Be on the lookout for greenfly, black fly etc. treat early rather than waiting until the little blighters appear in packs or swarms.
As the temperature rises be sure to ventilate the greenhouse to avoid scorching of the plants within.
Pond plants would benefit from a pond plant fertilizer and top up the pond if necessary.
Check shrubs and especially climbers to see if they need training upwards onto the trellis.

SPECIAL TIP
If you are growing runner bean plant a few sweet peas also in the same area. It will look brighter, smell sweet and increase the chances of a better crop due to increased pollination.

Bye for now, happy gardening
David Penny